agrant blow out trippy medi

I am going to create a schedule for my experiments. I thought you moved through the methods as you became more aware of their intentions - but this isn't so. They are all merely extensions of the previous and should be alternated as you see fit and I think I will mix them up throughout the week

A lot of emotion came to me during the screaming experiment. I have felt adgatated lately, annoyed at little things and I'm not sure why. I have been doing a lot of physical exercise (Football, Badminton and running) to try and release some built up anger but I guess it's not working - or if it does work, it's only temporary (or in need of consistancy?) But after my unfortunately week+ break of doing my exercises, it's felt great to do them again. Even if I don't feel like I achieved what I would have hoped during them (Hyatt mentions that doing method 2 + the mantram will "Blow your mind" ... It never), I do feel in a lot more control of myself, and my thoughts and also my awareness of the NOW. For those of you who aren't aware of the NOW, I do suggest picking up a book titled "THE POWER OF NOW" By Eckhart Tolle. It's as simple as it sounds - being aware of your thoughts and focusing them on the absolute present. Being concisously aware of your thoughts so that you can become more independant in what you want to think about... or that was my take on it at least - my descriptions suck sometimes.

So, maybe I rushed the experiments or maybe I should alter how I do them, we will see! I am also finding it VERY hard to keep focused during my matram and even go so far to the point of anger. I just can't wait for the damn thing to stop playing, over and over and over... I need to fight myself into finishing it, repeating the phrase "Get to the end, prove it to yourself that you CAN and WILL complete this arduous task". However, in a sense - that's actually a good thing as I am gaining more self-confidence. I just can't see that that's the intention of the mantram and it's supposed to be a positive meditation. It's very hard to sit for 20 minutes without moving, keeping focus and listen to a repeated phrase with absolute consistancy for a beginner in meditation!

I shall keep fighting. LAB out!

Back to my LAB! During the relaxation period where you lie down for 10 minutes, my breathing dramatically slowed down. I was inhaling after 5-10 second intervals for the first few minutes, it felt really good. My chest was heated and felt strong and my lower back was a bit uncomfortable. However, the uncomfortableness could have come from the fact that I have played 5 a side football twice in 2 days and Badminton twice also - all within the same week - which has made me very sore!

My energy levels are zero! So i've got a sadface because I felt aggravated during the Chakram meditation and that I just wanted it to finish as soon as possible.

I am ready to move on, I wanted to do this method another 2-3 times but I think my LAB will now consist of Method II. Hyatt mentions that you should feel aware of your tension within your body before moving on and I think I do. I am always catching my facial expressions teasing its own muscles into uncomfortable patterns and my shoulders have a great deal released from what I can physically feel.

I have completed Method I a few times already but I shall start a diary of my experiences from now.

As the book mentions, I am in my own experimental LAB. What do you do in this LAB? experiment! There are no rights, no wrongs, only experiences.

There's not much to think about when you are doing the first few exercises so I like to note my sensations whilst I do them and since I have mentioned that I have completed them a few times before, I've already started to slightly alter the way in which I do each exercise. During the facial expressions I have grown less obvious to the tingly feeling that It used to give me but I can still feel my face 'coming to life' or 'breathing for itself', for lack of a better description. My shoulders have a lot less tension in them during the shoulder lifts also. At the start of doing them my shoulders felt very heavy and when associating a colour to my sensations (sometimes it seems the best way to describe such experiences, as I am really bad with words) it was dark red and dark dull greens mished together. Now they feel lighter and less... perplexed.

I have gotten out of the habbit of negatively questioning the reasons behind these exercises, like I used to do - especially regarding the Chakram concentration meditation. I argued why I was sitting still for 20 minutes listening to a man repeatedly spout out a latin phrase to me when I could simply do a standard breathing focus meditation which I am accustom to. Maybe that's just it! maybe it's all the dogmas within me that are arguing against such exercises because I am not used to them, they are out of my comfort zone and my ego is defending it's right to attach itself to whatever makes IT happy and comfortable. Or maybe there is no reason to sit down and listen to a 65 year old aging hippy for 20 minutes? Point is, why care? My questions are irrelevant to me doing these execises. I have a choice to do them or not and even though I sometimes question their fountation.. I WANT to do them - and finish them... so why bother with the fuss of negative thought against them?

However, I can be curious.. but I don't believe that's why I question them. It's why I have my own LAB! to experiment and learn... and unfortunately to feel damn uncomfortable in the process. If you're comfortable then you're not learning. ** I am still unsure on the concept that pain and suffering yourself is the way to undoing yourself.. but I am putting an appropraite amount of faith into all these psychologists, aging hippies, pyshiotherapists and cosmic blabber mouths that have been doing this kind of stuff for 20 years or more. **  


I do have a small incling into what it means but as I am bad with words - I havn't found the appropriate way to express my thoughts just yet. I shall keep experimenting in my LAB of self!  

It was my birthday on the 25th of May. I recieved Cosmic Trigger 2 and Cosmic Trigger 3, The Illuminatus! Trilogy (just to keep my mind occupied on something that is both fun and insightful) and Undoing Yourself with Energized Meditations. 

I am finding myself a lot stronger recently. My girlfriend is being very amazing about me letting my emotions be expressed. She is also expressing hers (she's such a stroppy bitch!) which is allowing me to gain great insight into the reasons why different people express their emotions.

Since finishing College and recieving said books for my Birthday, I am dying to get going on the exercises. I started Method I on Undoing Yourself and I will continue doing them when I feel like - approximately 4 times a week - for another 2-3 weeks. I will then move onto the second exersices. If no-one has heard of this book; my opinion on what it attempts to do is force you understand how much tension is truly being held by the muscles in your body and also how to release this tension so you can generate efficient, smooth flowing energy around yourself.

I am hoping to go into a lot more detail on my experiences with the exersices as I do them. I will try to keep a diary of them and re-tell them on here.

Keep positive! :)

It's been a rocky past few days. I have created 3 new e-mail adresses, 2 new blogs, cleaned and re-cleaned my computer - all within two days. I realised why. I am trying to find my own identity by using all of this kind of stuff, trying to create a persona - a character so I can establish myself. I suffer from this very much and I think I need to go back to the root of the Human psyche.

According to the 8-Circuit Model of Consciousness by Timothy Leary, you go through the first few as an infant and because you're so young it's all being imprinted onto yourself without your conscious control. A lot of flaws in adulthood are simply unbalanced imprints that you were given to grow up with. I lack the control over the emotional circuit. As mentioned before, I can't control my emotions properly... It's becoming clearer and clearer each day.

But I'm fighting it. This is a true test of my strength, believe it or not. I have had countless impulses of wanting to simply delete the journal and I became all over body stressed about it. It's horrible really, I'm just glad I know this is what is happeneing to me. I get so worried over things where people can silently judge me that I become completely stressed and distraught. Don't worry, I don't care what people think of me, I just care that they do actually judge me.

Since this is my basis for current thought. I think I will have a lot of up and down days over the next few weeks/months. I will try my hardest to understand how to express my emotions properly and I will re-read that section in Angel Tech.